


and i hope someday i'll make it out of here

by tonyfuckinstank



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Clint Barton Redemption, Deaf Clint Barton, I bash the rest of them, M/M, Rape Recovery, Sam Wilson Redemption, Sorry Not Sorry, Winteriron endgame, comfort comes later, not team Cap friendly, rape isn't between tony and bucky!!!, scott Lang Redemption
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:34:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26034997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tonyfuckinstank/pseuds/tonyfuckinstank
Summary: Ever since escaping HYDRA, Steve Rogers - alias Captain America, threat level B, don't attack without backup or resources - has been at his side in all of his memories. Even if he keeps pushing for the old Barnes (ironically, while Steve has memories of Bucky, James has memories of Stevie) Steve is his friend. So than why did he do this?--Tony Stark wished he didn't have to see the Rogues again, but the pardons weren't something he could escape. Nor was the arrangement at the compound, though he'd just adjust by making a new floor for hisrealfamily. He knew things would be different when the Rogues arrived, but something feels...off. And fixing things is his talent.// //// //Listen I like Cap and all but he's done dirty in this fic, figuratively and literally. Natasha doesn't get bashed as much and Sam isn't bashed at all, but none of them are portrayed in a good light, especially Cap and Scarlet Witch.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark, Past James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 5
Kudos: 95





	1. run, rabbit, run, rabbit

**Author's Note:**

> TW for implied Rape/Non-Con. The scene isn't included in this chapter, but it's implied to have happened. This is VERY short, but I'll try to write more in future chapters!
> 
> BARNES POV

Bucky lay wide awake in his bed, tossing and turning until he settled on his side, hugging himself tightly. He listened closely as the soft footsteps of Steve Rogers retreated from his room, finally. He shivered a bit, though the room was warm. He tries not to think about the omnipresent AI, as his mind trails back to just a few minutes ago. He’s sure his eyes are still red, he can _feel_ his eyes burn.

God, what would his handlers think? The Winter Soldier reduced to tears in a matter of minutes. Isn’t he supposed to be _better_ than this? He curls up even further, mumbling a soft “Mister JARVIS, please turn the heat up..” as he tucks the blankets under himself. He feels the temperature rise, and mumbles another thank you, before desperately trying to sleep. He doesn’t want to think about it. He doesn’t want to think about _anything_ , but even having nightmares of his time as the Winter Soldier is better. Bucky just wishes he could sleep forever. Like in the cyro. Maybe they shouldn’t have taken him out, triggers or not.

\--- --- --- --- --- ---

Barnes wakes up feeling rested. He had a nightmare, but it’s okay, the serum takes care of that anyways. He gets up despite not wanting to, mumbling a soft curse and rubbing his back lightly. He freezes for only a few seconds this time at remembering, so he’s already doing better. He thinks. While usually he’d be rushing to get up and join Steve and the others at the common area to eat breakfast, he thinks he’ll skip today. He asks JARVIS to read him a Wikipedia page on Captain America, and as the AI does he realizes that the Captain America the world sees is much different than the Captain America he saw just last night. _Kind, caring, selfless;_ he thought so too. Tears sprang to his eyes. “Please stop reading, Mister JARVIS..” he vaguely recognizes asking.

Bucky had met Stevie, his frail best friend who always got into fights. Stevie was all three of those things; he was kind and caring and selfless, and also a bit of a dumb ass, the broken remnants tease. Soldier had met Steven, also kind and caring and selfless and _bigger, stronger._ Threat Level B, avoid unless in direct contact, that part warns. He should’ve listened, because Barnes knows _Rogers_ , selfish and stuck-up and unbearably obsessive. If he were still at HYDRA, he’d be listed a Threat Level A, toe-to-toe with _Iron Man_ and _LOKI_. Barnes knows Rogers, the one who took the last thing that belonged to him and ripped it apart. “Sergeant Barnes,” JARVIS calls, and his head snaps up. He tilts it a little as the AI continues, “The others have left the common kitchen.” He mumbles a thanks and makes his way there, keeping to the shadows. If his heart rate spikes when he sees a glimpse of blonde hair, well then, no one has to know.

\--- --- --- --- --- ---

The rest of the day goes by slow. James keeps to himself in his room, writing and doodling in his notebook idly, only going still when he hears the thump of familiar boots coming nearby. JARVIS never lets Steve into the room, though, and while he’s a little embarrassed that JARVIS saw him like… that, he’s sure he won’t tell anyone. He trusts JARVIS as a friend, he trusts him with his life. 

The same can’t be said for Steve.

He stands outside his door anyways and calls for him to come out. It’s almost like he forgets what he did, and expects Barnes to forgive and forget. He shivers at the thought of facing him, but his friend keeps telling him when the others leave so he can take care of himself, even if he just wants to curl up and die. JARVIS is a good friend, he thinks to himself, better than Steve could be anyways.  He stares up at the ceiling laying flat on his back, trying to think of anything but Steve. The triggers haven't been fully been removed; Wakanda was able to remove one of them, and they were hoping it'd be a fail safe that they couldn't finish the string, but in a few days he'd have to go talk to Stark about his B.A.R.F thing. That only made the anxiety in his stomach curl up further, and he asks if JARVIS could lock Steve out of his room tonight; he can't handle a repeat of yesterday right now, he's sure of it.

He closes his eyes and as he drifts off, JARVIS plays a soft tune. Faintly he can hear banging on his door, but he's too tired to care at this point.


	2. afraid of the big, wide world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still sorry about that, Steve :( but I've decided he's so delusional about his love for Bucky he thought it was okay I guess?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is *also* short but for whatever reason I can't write freely with this one despite the idea being on the front of my mind most of the day. It bothers me lots. I meant to post this a while ago but tried to expand both parts beforehand so it wouldn't be as short.. my apologies.

**James' POV**

It continued like that for these past few days. I'd avoid Steve and the others with the help of JARVIS and I would take short naps at night, carefully making sure the door wasn't approached. Today, though, Steve somehow made it into my room without waking me. Damn sleep deprivation.

He sat down on the edge of the bed as I tucked my legs tight to my chest, holding them with my arms. If I stay like this he can't hurt me, I delude myself, and it's a blanket of comfort that isn't real. Steve gives me a disappointed frown, and I flinch, if only a bit, because he'll try something, I know he will-

"Bucky," he mumbles, and I hate that name, it's not  _ mine _ , "why are you avoiding us? Why are you avoiding  _ me _ ?" A flash of hurt flickers across Steve's face at that. "I poured my heart out to you the other night, and you didn't even let me explain.."

I take in a breath, it shakes coming out. "Steve, you… I didn't  _ consent _ . I didn't want to be  _ loved _ , I was half asleep, I…" he mumbles, but it's a futile argument against his response of "It was only harmless love, I just got hasty." I don't dare respond.

He lightly runs his fingers through my hair, which sends a shiver down my spine. He frowns at me again when I curl up further. I can feel the tears starting. I'm supposed to be the  _ Winter Soldier _ , damn it. The best sniper in World War Two if not, a Howling Commando, but here I am shriveling up at being stared at.

Steve eventually leans forwards to place a kiss on my forehead before getting up and leaving. I sag in relief when he does, exhausted. "Sargeant Barnes," JARVIS asks, hesitantly, "Do you wish to find help for your… issue?" And I give a nod and a thanks in response before my eyes close again. They feel heavy but for once, I can't care less.

**Tony's POV**

"Boss," JARVIS calls, and I startle, looking up. "You've been in the workshop for 5 hours, 23 minutes and 52 seconds. I'd advise getting some food." A pause, "I also have something important to show you." I sigh. I hope it's not another meeting. Pepper will have my head if I'm late for another one. I get up anyways, grumbling a few things under my breath. I don't have much of an appetite, so…

"What is it you wanted to show me, Jarv?" I finally decide. He hesitates for a second, before pulling up a video on a monitor. The last time I watched a video, I almost died.

Should've known this one would be more internal.


	3. toss your dirty shoes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay! So I feel like this has been a bit confusing, but here's the base ideas I had at the start:  
> \- It's after Age of Ultron, meaning Vision exists and JARVIS is dead. HOWEVER, JARVIS is in this one as I can't write Vision that well despite him being one of my favorites, and so in the story he gave up what was left of JARVIS and gave the Stone to Stephen, not that it really matters because Endgame is a figment of our imagination and does not exist
> 
> \- Steve and Bucky were lovers before HYDRA, which is why he's trying to start it back up again despite James' protests. He assumes that his sadness is because he missed Steve.
> 
> I feel like the last chapter rushed Tony knowing by a lot, but to be fair I write this at like 3am on a good day so I usually am a bit bad at writing, but I put more effort into it so there's that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written in the middle of class on a phone so if there's any mistakes in formatting please tell me!

**Tony's POV  
**For a long while, all he does is stare at the screen, buffering like a broken program. He blinks, and realization settles in as his stomach drops. Tony was well aware that Rogers was infatuated with Barnes, he'd experienced it first-hand after all, but he didn't think he'd actually _willingly_ harm the man after that. (It's just another expectation that Rogers proved wrong - sometimes he wonders if he's doing it on purpose.) Obviously, he was proven wrong, again. He frowns, and JARVIS closes the video. "My apologies, sir, I believed as the owner of the tower you'd be the best help."

He gives a dismissive wave, "It's alright, Jarv. I'll take care of it." And the AI gives a noise of approval, before going quiet again. He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. Tony was not expecting this today; he was in the middle of an inventing steak and his schedule was clear for the next few days. Of course, half the time when that happens life throws a curve ball at him, but he'd expected another alien invasion or something. Of course, it's nice _not_ to have one (he still has a few bruises from his last fight) but in the end he's still going to have to deal with the fallout.

"Jarvis, how is Barnes doing now?" Tony speaks up, rolling a pen in his hand idly (though he's not quite sure where it came from). "Sergeant Barnes is currently hiding in his room. Would you like me to tell him you wish to speak with him?" Tony pauses. "Sure, go ahead," he decides after a moment's thought. He knows JARVIS won't let him back out.

—— —— ——

**Steve's POV**

Bucky has been avoiding him. He's sure the AI - JARVIS, he thinks - is helping him, since every time he asks about Bucky he's told that he doesn't want to see him. Which is a pretty stupid excuse for keeping him away. Before the fall, Bucky was his best friend, but more importantly his lover. At the time, they had to keep it a secret, but one of the things he'd liked about the new century is that he didn't have to do that anymore. He still gets an itch under his skin when he does, but it's just the remnants of the 40's.

For whatever reason, after he showed Bucky how much he loved him, he slinks away from Steve's touch. It upsets him a lot - he remembers him, so it's not that - but he's pretty sure Bucky's just processing. It's hard to lose your lover suddenly, and then to get them back just as quickly, but he'll get better soon. He'd be fine if he'd interacted with the team, too - his _family_ \- but he gets anxious around Wanda and him and Natasha only glare at each other. Sam and Scott have distanced themselves (as has Clint, but the archer left the tower a few days ago yelling about his mind or something, but he's done this before) from the team, which is also upsetting.

The worst of all is that nobody will let him talk to Tony. They need to talk, especially after Siberia, but JARVIS is preventing him from doing that, too. So he's feeling a little useless right now. He's got to keep spirits up, though, so that's what he'll do.

And maybe he'll try and talk to Bucky too.


	4. BARTON, C. (Side Story)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint's been seeing the world through blurry eyes. Or rose-colored glasses, but either way, something's not right. And it's very noticeable.

**Omnipresence POV**

Clint Barton was usually a man known for his patience and integrity, which was why everyone was shocked when he turned into what could only be described as a ball of rage; a fiery hatred for the world as a whole, a stark contrast to his previous persona. He'd been trained to repress these feelings, and he had for so long, but it was as if someone flipped a switch and suddenly he let it all loose; except, only his anger. If he had snapped he was sure he'd cry in his past, and yet here he was today.

The first time the rage subsided was when Barton had went into town to get some ice cream for a small 'party' Sam was hosting. He'd gone alone, and the farther he got from Stark Tower the less his head pounded. He felt a strange sense of calm in the back of his mind, a familiar feeling from days he couldn't seem to recount. When he'd reached the store his usual anger was a small portion of his attitude, and he even thanked the cashier for his help - a small gesture, but huge for someone who typically doesn't. The rage returned as he walked back, however, and he was snapped back into the same rage as before. His memory of the calm seemed to shatter like glass in a forgotten part of his mind.

A few weeks ago, they had a small movie party; even Barnes was planning on attending, and he could see the way Steve lit up at that idea. Wanda however, had to leave for the day in order to train. That wasn't as well received by Steve, but the training was mandatory; a way to repay for her actions in the past, though most of them thought the treatment to be unfair. Barton sat down at the couch fuming as always, and many braced themselves for his comments. But just like before, the headache eased as Wanda got farther away and he even made a light hearted joke about the movie's protagonist, much to the surprise of the others watching with him.

Without the fog muddying his head, he linked the broken memories of the last calm to this one and found one consistent factor; Wanda Maximoff. Combined with his knowledge of her powers, he realized it was likely her behind the strings. Panicking, he realized he had to leave. And soon, as Wanda's training was almost over. So he announced to the room his discovery and practically ran out of the door.

He had nowhere to go, but he'd make it. He has to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not updating; I completely forgot that I was writing this with school and all. My grades are fine right now, so I decided to start Clint's redemption arc. I liked the idea of him, even if an archer against a god doesn't really work, but he's an ass in MCU and that upsets me a lot. I also know the "Wanda is using her powers on Clint" thing is somewhat cliche, but it's an idea.
> 
> I'll likely publish a main story chapter too, but no promises. Thanks for the feedback! ^^


	5. you dumb bitch, i loved you

**Barnes' POV**

"Sergeant Barnes," JARVIS' voice snaps me out of my thoughts. "Mr. Stark wishes to speak with you." I give a curt nod. I wonder why, I think as I slide off of the side of my bed. I listen for a second to make sure no one's around before I start to leave. "Where does he want to meet?" I question. There's a second of silence while JARVIS asks, before the AI responds. "He asked if you could come to the community rooms." I let out a small sigh, and hope that no one else will be in there. I make my way to the community living room, and watch as the elevator doors open slowly. Stark sits on a couch in a suit, wearing his usual sunglasses as well. Why he wears them inside is a mystery, but I don't question it as much as I should.

I walk over and stand awkwardly by. "..what did you want to talk about?" I ask, my mind blank of any reasons why Stark would ask me specifically to come talk with him. He raises an eyebrow at me, dramatically taking off his sunglasses before responding. "I saw the video."

My stomach drops. It hadn't crossed my mind that asking JARVIS for help would mean he'd have to actually send it to a real person. It probably should've been his first thought, but at the time, the encounter with Steve had me reeling a bit. I took a deep breath. "Okay. Okay… um, what about it did you, ah- want to talk about?" I stammered, and mentally raged at myself again for losing my composure.

Stark gives me a soft smile. It's not as plastic as the one from before, and obviously fake to a trained eye, but it still brings me some sense of distorted comfort. "JARVIS told me that you seem to be avoiding Rogers since then. Do you feel… safe with him around?" He taps a finger on his leg. I shrug lightly in response. I don't. Not at all. Even the thought of being in the same room as him scares me, but I'll get over it eventually; a part of me still resents condemning Steve, even if he's done wrong. I keep up a pointedly neutral facade, so my discomfort isn't obvious. "I don't want him kicked out or anything, if that's what you're asking," I half-whisper.

At that there's another eyebrow raise and a look of concern. "If you don't want him removed from premises, we can move your room." Stark offers. I pause to think. Living nearby Steve is hell; there's the constant paranoia he'll try it again and in the future whatever progress I make is set back and there's the sneaking around that tires me to the bone every day. Simply moving rooms would be much easier, and I wouldn't have to listen to Steve's pleading voice, begging me to come out of my room and calling me dead nicknames- "I'd like that."

A smile, and "that's what we'll do then." He tells me that the process will take a few days and setting up the room can take almost a week, but it's fine. I can deal with it. He dismisses me and I retreat back to my room.

**Steve's POV**

Bucky is still avoiding me and Clint hasn't come back yet. My concern grows every day, but I hold out hope that Bucky's internal turmoil resolves and he'll come back to fix things in our relationship. I don't know exactly why he's avoiding me, or why he rejected my confession a while back and stepped on it like it was dirt. I know he's changed, but deep down, he's still Bucky. I know he's recovering memories of the past, too; maybe I'll have to hold out until he remembers what we were then before he comes back.

I stand in front of his room and knock for the third time. I sigh. "JARVIS, any idea where Bucky is?" I ask. The cold voice responds with another rejection, refusing to tell me where he is. I tap my foot impatiently. If he's not at his room, then I'll wait here for when he comes back. He has to come back at some point, and when he does we can try talking again. Maybe he'll let me hold him, this time? I smile a bit. Footsteps echo through the hallway and I turn my head to look. Bucky freezes at the end when our eyes lock. My smile grows bigger. "Hey, Buck."

I walk closer to him, slowly. He stands completely still, his face paler than usual. I frown slightly and wrap him into a hug when I reach him. "Are you okay?" I mumble, but he doesn't make a move at all. Not even to reciprocate the hug, though his hands twitch in their positions. "I just wanted to talk to you again," I mumble, "are you up to that?" Absently, Bucky responds with a "yes." Though the voice sounds far away, I grin and step back. 

Grabbing his hand, we walk into his room together. When I shut the door Bucky inhales sharply. Turning back, I sit next to him. "What did y.. you want to talk about?" He asks, breathlessly. Concern fills my mind for a second, but I reassure myself he's fine. "You're still avoiding me," I voice. "The last time I talked to you about this you didn't respond.. I just want to spend time with you, Buck." 

He gives a slight nod after silence. He thinks on it. "I just… I told you why. I didn't want that, Steve, and you…" he trails off, tears prickling at his eyes. Frowning, I reach to wipe them off, but he slaps my hand away. "Don't! Don't touch me." Bucky exclaims, standing up quickly. "Just get out. Please." Frowning, I get up slowly. I stand for a moment, but he doesn't back off. With a sigh, I leave again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dealt with both confrontations in this so sorry if it seems quick ;;;


End file.
